In 2004, on a warm spring night, I met a young man at the airport. Immediately, I fell in love. He stole my heart right then and there and I knew, without doubt, that he was my son. I counted days until he could home for good, and I waited.
On the night I met him, I wrote these words:
My Sasha
I have tall, strong boys in my life---
They fill me, they make me whole.
How can there be room for more?
How can there be another soul
That exists inside of me?
Just how can that be?
But, yet,
I stood in the restless crowd,
Nodding heads, nervous grins, bobbing balloons,
All waiting to celebrate love--
A love yet to grow.
Then, at once, there they are---
Small strangers from far away
Looking for love,
Looking to know that someone new
Can become someone they knew "all along."
The timid blue shirts follow each other,
Keep going, keep going,
deeper into the swirling bustle.
Someone cheers, someone hugs,
Some of the blue shirts are captured.
The rest keep going, keep going,
And I wait.
I see!
I see green, tired eyes under a cap of tousled hair.
The blue eyes don't see me, but, I know those eyes.
So, off I go into the cacophony,
Keep going, keep going,
Until I get there.
When I get there I whispered, "Sasha."
Then I looked deep into the soul of another,
And knew.
I just knew.
He DOES belong to me---he's part of me!
I can't help but hold him tight,
The tears roll down my cheek,
I'll never be the same---there's another part of me.
I found that there was no "love to grow,"
The growing had been done!
The love was full and there to stay--
This stranger was not new.
He is my Sasha---and, in fact,
He was my Sasha all along.
My love has not changed; but, he has. He is gone. I don't know where he lives. I don't know his friends. I don't know his life at all. He walked away. My love was not enough for him. This family was not enough. Even God was not enough for him.
He has turned his back on all of us and is just plain gone. He has himself wrapped up in himself, and there's no room for any of us.
For the past 5 months I have grieved a dark and consuming grief. It has stopped me cold. But, this past week-end, I let go. I just let go.
He's gone.
It seems pretty often that a message comes up on my phone---"Unexpected Failure." Every time I see that message it feels as though some unseen force of darkness is poking me with accusation---I failed. It all failed. He never did really succeed at being part of a family. He never gave me his heart; his heart is still his own. This is a failure that I never, ever, ever expected. It's an unexpected failure of magnificent potency, at least for now.
So, now the time is passing again, and I wait. I count the days and I wait until he will once more sit beside me and be my son.
I'll never be the same---there's another part of me----and that part is gone.
On the night I met him, I wrote these words:
My Sasha
I have tall, strong boys in my life---
They fill me, they make me whole.
How can there be room for more?
How can there be another soul
That exists inside of me?
Just how can that be?
But, yet,
I stood in the restless crowd,
Nodding heads, nervous grins, bobbing balloons,
All waiting to celebrate love--
A love yet to grow.
Then, at once, there they are---
Small strangers from far away
Looking for love,
Looking to know that someone new
Can become someone they knew "all along."
The timid blue shirts follow each other,
Keep going, keep going,
deeper into the swirling bustle.
Someone cheers, someone hugs,
Some of the blue shirts are captured.
The rest keep going, keep going,
And I wait.
I see!
I see green, tired eyes under a cap of tousled hair.
The blue eyes don't see me, but, I know those eyes.
So, off I go into the cacophony,
Keep going, keep going,
Until I get there.
When I get there I whispered, "Sasha."
Then I looked deep into the soul of another,
And knew.
I just knew.
He DOES belong to me---he's part of me!
I can't help but hold him tight,
The tears roll down my cheek,
I'll never be the same---there's another part of me.
I found that there was no "love to grow,"
The growing had been done!
The love was full and there to stay--
This stranger was not new.
He is my Sasha---and, in fact,
He was my Sasha all along.
My love has not changed; but, he has. He is gone. I don't know where he lives. I don't know his friends. I don't know his life at all. He walked away. My love was not enough for him. This family was not enough. Even God was not enough for him.
He has turned his back on all of us and is just plain gone. He has himself wrapped up in himself, and there's no room for any of us.
For the past 5 months I have grieved a dark and consuming grief. It has stopped me cold. But, this past week-end, I let go. I just let go.
He's gone.
It seems pretty often that a message comes up on my phone---"Unexpected Failure." Every time I see that message it feels as though some unseen force of darkness is poking me with accusation---I failed. It all failed. He never did really succeed at being part of a family. He never gave me his heart; his heart is still his own. This is a failure that I never, ever, ever expected. It's an unexpected failure of magnificent potency, at least for now.
So, now the time is passing again, and I wait. I count the days and I wait until he will once more sit beside me and be my son.
I'll never be the same---there's another part of me----and that part is gone.
Oh your words make me cry. But can I say this my sweet friend, YOU DON"T KNOW THE REST OF THE STORY! It has not been written yet. God is faithful to those who call upon His name. He hears the cries of the mothers for their sons. He knows the sorrow of the once orphaned boys who can't find their way home. You have not failed. Not failed to love. Not failed to let go. Not when the rest of the story has not been written yet. Not when the God of the Universe has crossed the Great Divide for ones such as these. Such as us. I know your heart is heavy and in grief. I grieve with you. I stand in prayer with you. I will believe with you that God is going to finish what HE started when HE drew your heart to this boy.
ReplyDeletePraying for your heart Marsha. God is there with him, His will is stronger than your son's. Hold on. Mel
ReplyDeleteThis is so heart breaking to read, but the good news is that God knows your son's friends, God knows where he lives, God knows what he's doing right now. I know that sounds so cliche, but sometimes no matter what it sounds like we have to grab at the truth and the truth is that God is all sovereign. I hate that you feel like a failure, but you did exactly what God called you to do! You gave your heart, you unconditionally loved, you took in a little boy who needed a family. Just like with witnessing, God doesn't always call us to success. God calls us to step out, to obey, to risk and you did that. Congratulations, you were obedient! You did what God called you to do and that should bring some joy!!
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks for you and your family, Marsha. But you didn't fail; you followed your calling and added a son to your family. You didn't fail! And he is still your son, even when you don't know where he is right now!
ReplyDeleteI so wish I could carry a little of your burden, though I'm relieved to hear that you have been able to let go a little. I'm sure that God has lifted some of your burden, to enable you to see the beauty of your other children, and to live fully with them and rejoice with their joys and comfort their sorrows.
Oh, Marsha, I don't think his heart is his own at all. His heart is still being held hostage by the parents who abused him and by the early trauma that chains him. I do think there is hope, but it takes a special kind of therapy, that a lot of therapists are clueless about.
ReplyDelete